The Great Avalanchian War

The Great Avalanchian War, written by SnakeInABox and commentaried by Spontaneous Combustion, is the unnofficial Best Selling novel in Avalanchia. From this book the Evil League of Evil rose, therefore eventually causing the Epic Fight of Epicness, a brutal conflict that tore apart the peace and internal unity Avalanchia had enjoyed for centuries, leading to Raya's queenhood, and The Vaatissimo Rebellion that followed. Here are a few excerpts from the Novel.

The Great Avalanchian War. A war that will live in infamy and alcohol. One of the bloodiest civil wars ever seen.

The Great Avalanchian War officially started during the last day of June 2010, but our great country had suffered severe instabilities long before this cursed day. Some blame the legendary revolutionary and former minister of defense, JGH27 who was known for agitating the people of our country against our benevolent king. Some blame the overpowered upper class of ministers for using our great country as a playground for their own amusement. Some blame our neighbouring countries for their constant meddling with Avalanchian politics. Some blame the rising numbers of religious nutjobs led by a mysterious man in green, while some may even blame the great king emperor god Avalanche the Awesome himself.

Whoever the culprit may be for our great nation's fall, there is only one thing that's sure. We will not waver. We will find out who is responsible for our fall, destroy them and go back to drinking booze and blowing up shit. Long live Avalanchia! Long live the King!

To help fight this spreading infection, we of the Avalanchian ministry of Truth will report of the war and its proceedings each day. Stay tuned, citizens. We will be receiving infomation from a lot of sources each day. Remember that only the fast spread of information will help us find and destroy these fucking douchebags.

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DAY ONE

Not much happened during the first day of the Great Avalanchian War, or so would a clueless onlooker think. The first day brought us the deaths of two people, one being a loyal, King-loving Avalanchian citizen and the other one being someone who shouldn't even be involved in this shit. May they rest in peace.

But rest assured, citizens, for our adamant and brave police force will find out the culprits for the murders(at least for the one that mattered) and bring them to justice the Avalanchian way! We are already receiving phone calls for clues about the killers, and even the police force has something to say. One of the killers, as reported by a witness, was an Avalanchian woman dressed in red. The woman also seemed to have a hint of an accent, so it is entirely possible she was a spy of a neighbouring country. We are still not entirely sure if this woman was actually involved in the death of an innocent citizen or if she, too was just a witness, but we're sure we'll know in a while. What we are sure of is that a mysterious man dressed in the pink was one of the killers, no doubt. What side he is fighting for? We do not know. Stay tuned for more.

The ministry of Truth also would like to remind all citizens that today is the national Bear Shark Octopus Appreciation Day. Be sure to show your respect towards these gentle, intelligent and fucking awesome creatures today.

Good night, beloved citizens, and remember: It'll all work out.

DAY 2

Good news, citizens! Today we, as a nation, can rejoice, for what we have here is a victory. It may be only one victory, but things are starting to look better. It's just as our dear king often says: It will all work out.

Early in the morning two corpses were found. One of them was easily identified as a traitor, a mafian. So rest assured, citizens: These mysterious assassins may be dangerous, but like with all of our problems, the easy solution is an automatic weapon. The police are currently working hard around the clock to find out who this mysterious assassin was. We still have next to no information, but a .44 Magnum was found with the victim, which should help sort out some shit.

The other corpse didn't belong to a mafian, but it too is notably very hard to identify because the victim was first cut to pieces and then burnt, which is sort of against our laws or something.

The police also want to warn us that a dangerous individual might have escaped from custody and could potentially be behind one of the two early morning deaths. Be careful, for this third party killer could easily hide behind a vigilante charade. He's not Batman, he's Hannibal fucking Lecter. Be wary of whom you trust.

Also, according to confidential witnesses, someone shat their pants. The police made no comment when questioned about this.

Later during the day, one more death occurred. A religious nutjob called Spontaneous Combustion who falsely used our benevolent King's name perished by...uh...combusting...spontaneously. With his last breath he tried to take out one of the citizens who accused him of being a mafian, but luckily the citizen survived. It should be noted that our resident cultists lead by the man in green, the Flying Dutchmen, are as much of an enemy to the mafia as they are to us, though. This was not only a victory for us, but for the mafians too.

Keep an eye out for traitors, citizens. We are still accepting anonymous clues. If you have any idea who might be working with JGH27 the Traitor, the man in green, the woman in red or our other enemies, please inform us, the Ministry of Truth. We're waiting for your calls

DAY 3

The ministry of truth signing to say that pretty much nothing worth mentioning happened on day 3.

Okay, there was some serious confrontation between two citizens, but neither died so we didn't bother reading too much into it. Okay, and two Avalanchian citizens, who were notably very close friends, died in the hospital. It was a really touching scene to witness, really reminded us of how...short life is. How important it is to have at least one very good friend. A good friend is really worth more than anything else you'll ever have. It just...makes you think.

No, shut the fuck up, we're not crying.

DAY 4

Three people died today. One of them was quickly recognised as Ansem, the man in green, the mysterious leader and recruiter of the dangerous Avalanchian cult, Flying Dutchmen. The reign of terror of this cult is now officially over and our citizens can maybe breathe a sigh of relief, but according to criminal investigation, a few members still remain alive. While the recruiter is dead, a possibility remains that the rest of the cult can still be dangerous. The man in green may be dead, but the rest of the cult must still be found and destroyed - for your safety. We are getting new reports that the man in green was often seen with a red-haired person wearing a necklace of some sort. The police are currently accepting any hints about this person's identity

The man in green was most likely brought to brought to justice by a dead Avalanchian, DarkFalco, whose corpse was found near the man in green. This citizens heroic act will not be forgotten and King Avalanche has already promised to make a chocolate-covered statue to honor him. It would be the easy way to say that the man in green killed the heroic citizen, but unfortunately it seems things aren't as simple as they would seem. According to coroners, the head cultist didn't even get close enough to kill DarkFalco. We are once again suspecting the work of the same third party killer as last time.

The day ended with the third death, which brought us shocking revelations: The woman in red, who ended her own life with a bullet through the brain, was in fact the legendary revolutionary JGH27. This gender-bending twist ending was so unexpected and fucked up we're not even going to comment on it. This is a victory for Avalanchia, because there's a high chance that at most only two mafians remain. Rejoice.... However, even if the cursed revolutionary might be dead, the revolution still goes on and the corruption goes deep, we are told. Even our police forces aren't protected from corruption, as some officers have been bribed by the mafia to protect its members. Be wary of whom you trust.